a letter to myself 5 years ago

Hey girl
lots of changes ahead
like you need to be warned?
you think you finally came back to a permanent (for now) land
you feel safe and secure after an awful year
full of death and loss and changes
they're still going to happen
two more deaths and three more changes
they will break you
traumatise you
give you depression and severe anxiety
but please remind me in five years to live in the moment
I already loved, it wasn't too scary
I already lost, I'm still recovering
I've lived the worst day of your life
you should have been there!
I needed your know-it-all ass to tell me it's okay
to remind me that it's not my fault
but that's just a fantasy
because I know how guilty you are now
even before it happens.
remember that thing that haunted us for 10 years?
remember those bad dreams and longful memories?
we should have done something about them,
didn't we?
did we fail?
did i fail?
but what is failure?
I don't know.
to many, I'm victorious
I've won the lottery
ate the whole cake
but you and I know the truth
we're lost
a tribe of gypsies
full of ourselves
each one a representation
of our personalities
forever changing
forever moving
we're at the same path
but forever lost.
                                                                                                   december 25th 2016

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